Transformation

A butterfly’s wings from the caterpillar’s curiosity

A glittery sheen captures translucent light that would otherwise seemingly have just one dimension, but within that sparkle are now so many depths. Light is constantly showing us our capacity to be captured and never stay the same; be it a sunset or the sharp edges of an object caught in contrast ... something appears, just for that moment.

Youth seems a pronounced prism of this truth. Do you remember how deeply you believed in your potential to become when you were young? The sense of everything that was simply awaiting you? Change the world? Absolutely. Find true love? What issue could there be?

These days I struggle with simply deciding what to wear. It happens with varying success, but luckily, every day I manage to get dressed! The clothes are a much loved, sometimes seemingly impossible series of options, but they also represent something I don’t so often want to acknowledge: that I also choose what ‘thought clothes’ I decide my mind will put on each day.

Making my way into May

For some reason it’s brought back to me the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes! Did you ever read this story? How the Emperor believed he was being sold and dressed in the finest threads an emperor could get, but in fact, he was parading around in his birthday suit?

What freedom that could be! Not the nakedness of the body necessarily (!) but certainly increasing time with a mind unburdened with what it has to ‘put on’ to keep itself ‘doing’ what’s needed.

For me, my mind starts cycling the possibilities with the appearance of a new day. I decide within the first few minutes what frame of mind I think I’m in: open, pissed-off, tired, frustrated, confused, intrigued, happy, almost happy. Those are some of the states and then there’s the details that act as accessories: workload, friends I owe phone calls to, friends who owe me phone calls, the last time I spoke to X, the way Y spoke to me, feelings about my body, my diet, my mental health, the recruitment/property agent I should have reached out to/got back to…

And so it goes on, my caterpillar curiosity about how to solve the dilemma of being Rachel. I never find a permanent or lasting solution; there’s seemingly no consistent answer for what I need to to get to ‘butterfly status’, floating above the minutiae.

Any transformation seemingly only happens when I go behind the curtain and rest in the witness, in meditation most often. In this there is the chance to connect to that which is witness to everything. So the mind and its wardrobe of possibilities goes quiet; it truly is transformational. I am not anyone or anywhere or anything and feel no judgement or need to control those things that are otherwise so captivating…

It’s true that there are ‘mind clothes’ I have put on for months, years… that I then find don’t fit or aren’t what I want to wear anymore. It is a joy to choose not to squeeze in to them or make them work. They could be the way I see myself, relationships, activities, beliefs… things that have allowed me to grow but won’t let me fly towards the freedom I most deeply long for.

A little like the last post, it is ultimately more of a ‘putting down’, a ‘taking off’ that liberates. It’s enjoyable that ‘take off’ can also mean to fly; a little word gem I’ll keep in mind. Wishing you a lighter, less-burdened May, whatever it brings and wherever you are.

WITH THANKS: This post is also a tribute to my friend and coach for the last 18 months, Rich. I came to him to ask a simple career question and he opened it up with the unexpected offer to go through a coaching programme with him. In each coaching session his questions and enthusiasm have helped me explore and unpack so much of what I have rarely really been able to tap into or take further. I am so grateful for his time and willingness to help me see that all kinds of transformation are possible.

Family & messing about in boats; what joy!